All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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