the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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