my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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