Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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