I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
