I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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