Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
