I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
