i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
