i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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