Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
