WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
