quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
