I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
where are my eyebrows?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
