Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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