I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
