Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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