Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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