I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
