three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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