Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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