I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
