well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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