This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
