My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
