I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
