can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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