I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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