My room smells like vodka and shame
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Holy shit dude........stairs
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
