he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I came so hard my ears popped.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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