If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
