And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
