my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do vagina's smell?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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