New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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