Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
