I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
