It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
two words...techno handjob
The beers last night were like the tears from god
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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