I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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