What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
