I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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