he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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