so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
