why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
