I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I smell stomach acid.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't turn off my feet"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
