the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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