I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
