nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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