I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
