I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
