tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
