nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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