Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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