Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
